my phone needs a breathalizer
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
