dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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