Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
