He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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