I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You are a genius and a whore.
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