Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
