I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
