he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
