Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
It was confusing and full of hummus
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
