You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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