...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
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He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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