This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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