I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
