Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
