guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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