Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
