Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
