I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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