absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
honey bunches of taint.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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