There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
