rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
