It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
