Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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