dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
