Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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