Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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