you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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