9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
not ubering you a puppy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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