Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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