Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
