Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
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But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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