u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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