Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
