dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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