Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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