I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
