I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
