He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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