Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
