I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
