I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
