He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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