ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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