I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
