Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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