I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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