Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
