Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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