So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
