I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
wow bdsm is so cute
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
