she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
