I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
