I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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