He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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