I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
