I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
