my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize