Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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