the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
