My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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