drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
