Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
