tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
